Getting to his bottom line

Interesting reading I’ve had this weekend. First I learned on Saturday night that Sherlock Holmes was probably a virgin as well as a coke fiend (though some “Sherlockians”— as the sleuth-geeks are called — think he had a kid with a minor character named Irene).

And then there’s my mail (note the lack of Freudian slips despite my fast from dating :D). “NOTICE OF OUR INTENT” reads the rather ominous letter that’s been marooned on a striped Ikea pillow. It is a collection letter for a book not received. Perhaps my passive response to their bills did not communicate nondelivery of said goods?

In any case, it strikes me it’d be mighty nice if men provided the same sort of missive: “NOTICE OF MY INTENT.” For instance, Saturday night, a half-drunk fellow hap’ly taken said he would walk me to the subway some blocks away. As we neared the familiar awning he leaned in closer as he insisted that our prayers must be quite the same. Here a letter would have been quite helpful:

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to emphasize this point

Instead, despite his taken status I subtly backed away. What if such a letter, by now wrinkled and be-ringed by all the drinks he’d had read:

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to kiss you

He didn’t but as we were parting he called out this closing: “If I didn’t like you so much, I’d be pouring tequila down your throat right now.” I didn’t have a chance to say that trick only works for some folks.

But you see now how this letter idea could really have some potential. Especially for you folks taking lovers in bars. (Anna date a guy she met at Burlesque Bar? Nevah ...)

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to shag you. Once. And then leave.

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to get your number — just as a trophy.

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to use you for attention because I’m lonely.

Maybe all this is unnecessary for those used to dating near-strangers. But in the Jesus Freak wilderness of pseudo-dates and Mr. Flirty Pants, it all can be quite confusing. Just what does it mean when a fellow chats you up some time?

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to use you as the stranger I’m instructed to greet during church today.

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to get your number — just as a trophy.

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to get to know you better.

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to find out if you’re still single.

NOTICE OF MY INTENT
My intent is to make you make me feel I’m dating but without the commitment.

Well, maybe I just sound bitter. But still ... I’m convinced most male kindness has to do with my left finger and that rumor that I cook. And if he’s ever seen me dance — well, there’s no chance he’s feeling platonic unless he’s blood kin or already married (and not even always then, sigh).

At least, now that I’m not dating, I’ve got a one-template-fits-all intent letter of my own.

NOTICE OF ACCEPTED INTENTS
I respond to potential husbands. Shall I introduce you to my father?