Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Objects of domestic utility

Saturday afternoon I ventured out to run some errands in my neighborhood. One of these took me into the local dollar store, a cramped warren of aisles packed with overpriced tuna fish, lots of junk, and a few gems (also a tiny glass shard stuck to a candle that immediately dove for my finger; luckily they didn’t charge for a bandage from the First Aid kit). Surely such a place as this carried toothpicks, that baker’s friend I always forget to buy.

Sure enough, they did. But alas, the only toothpicks sold came broken out in little containers. Handy if I were running an pig-in-blanket stand or serving cheese cubes at a party, but I’m doing neither. I was ready to abandon all search for skinny spears of wood until I spied a packaging alternate: instead of 6 small containers, this boasted a modest 3, adorned with tasteful flower artwork and script lettering.

But what was this?!! What had they scrolled on the silly plastic canisters? “Objects of domestic utility.” As if this would somehow compensate for the chintziness of the plastic. Not that all objects of domestic utility are necessarily so shabby ...

Which brings us to this week’s Spooning Fork: Sammy Davis Jr. singing “She’s a Woman (W-O-M-A-N).” Courtesy of the Swingers Too soundtrack, my new favorite album and a veritable goldmine of Spooning Fork material.

‘She’s a Woman’ from Swingers Too
While this is by no means the only recording of the song, Sammy brings a certain emphasis that turns this into a paeaon to a domestic goddess.

She can wash out 40 pairs of socks and have ’em hangin’ out on the line
She can starch and iron two dozen pairs of shirts before you can count from one to nine
She can scoop up a great big dipper of lard from the dippin’ can
Throw in the skillet, go out and do ’er shopping and be back before it melts in the pan!

Cause she’s a woman, W-O-M-A-N - I’ll say it again.

She can rub and scrub till this old house shines just like a dime
Feed the baby and grease the car and powder her face at the same time
Get all dressed up and go out and swing till 4 a.m. and then -
Lay down at five and jump up at six and start all over again.

Cause she’s a woman, W-O-M-A-N.
And that’s just for starters! Mind you, I’m sure some feminists would holler like heck at the spirit of such a song ... but there ain’t many folks these days praising such retrosexual virtues. Sure, it must take some of the Stones’ “mother’s little helper” to last long with such a schedule ... but she sure sounds hot for jugglin’ all that. And I like that minding the house is for once acknowledged as a full-time job.

Sorry to be so late with today’s post; a busy day. Send me your questions for Wednesday, though, and we’ll do a little better!