Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Classics pt. 5: Spooning Fork returns!

Since so many of my “you might want to check out _______” tips tend to be music-related, I thought it was time to recap an old Spooning Fork — and who better for it, than my favorite camp artist, Tom Jones?
Originally posted Sept. 24, 2004.

I wanted to use the Tom Jones’ classic “Not Responsible” (in keeping with certain themes from the current Sexless BOTtoM) but alas, it’s not available on iTunes. As a second choice, we’re going to assess the similary themed “Help Yourself”:

Help yourself ‘Help Yourself’ from Greatest Hits
Ah, yes. The passive-aggressive male-fantasy theme song:
Love is like candy on a shelf —
You want to taste and help yourself.
The sweetest things are there for you
Help yourself, take a few,
That’s what I want you to do.
Love, in other words, is self-encouraged shoplifting. Raid my body! Rob my treasures! Tom, are you sure you aren’t trying a little too hard for supposed role-reversal here?

Ah, but further listening reveals he’s talking about that economic wonder, the totally-subsidized candy store!
We’re always told repeatedly
The very best in life is free.
And if you want to prove it’s true
Baby I’m telling you
This is what you should do:
Just help yourself to my lips
To my arms — just say the word, and they are yours
I have to say, I want to know where he heard that the best in life is free. ’Cause I’ve been struggling lately with my frequent desire for things that are merely better* ... and I certainly don’t find them free. And what do we learn from economics? There’s no such thing as a free lunch. It may not cost you monetarily, but it will cost you in something — time, energy, love, sex, whatever.

In fact, a comedy show I attended last Thursday night advised using sex for its economic value very deliberately. “You wanna have a nice, two-hundred-dollah dinnah?” the women intoned in great, eccentric cheapskate persona, “be my guest.” She then went on to describe how strategic payment in sex could accomplish this end without depleting one’s funds.

By far my favorite money-saving tip of her sketch, however, was how to have lots of sex both safely and cheaply. Why spend all that money on condoms? She claimed a year’s supply could cost upward of $500. But as a far more affordable alternative, our expert suggested using a combination of leftover Gristedes grocery bags and duck sauce (a ubiquitous Chinese-food condiment here in the city; my friend the comedian allegedly has a stash in the upper three-figures range). And of course you already know about the low-budget option for women ...

But where we?

Tom and free love
I guess he really was a hippie! Although he always seemed more posh-disco-lounge in his threads and ’dos. But what do I know? Like I was around then.
The greatest wealth that exists in the world,
Could never buy what I can give
Just help yourself to my lips
To my arms, and then let’s really start to live
I think what he’s tryin’ to say is ... he’s not in general a ho (or whatever the male equiv. might be) but for this girl he’s easy, er, money.

The Tom Sawyer twist
And you gotta admire his spin, after all. I mean, the way he tells, he’s being the generous, sacrificial one ... all while getting the girl to initiate what he probably wants more keenly than she does (at least at that stage). Pretty clever ...

It almost reminds me of certain whitewashing fences scheme. Or, ahem, like that modern racket about a certain exclusive email address. But I wouldn’t know anything like that; I try to stick to things I’m expert on: sex and music.

... I’m Anna Broadway, and I do believe we’re almost back to old form! Thanks for stopping by and check back soon to hear me crack myself up again.

*Made more naked, now I don’t have the money to just impulsively sate such whims.

Sexless BOTtoM

Taking Sex Differences Seriously
Taking Sex Differences Seriously
Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Click-worthy just for the cover shot

Best of Tom Jones

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