Sexless in the City: Classics pt. 1: Not quite clothed for business

In honor of New York’s heat wave (ugh), I’m starting off this retrospective with a slightly weather themed post buried in the blog archives. Stay cool ...

Originally posted Aug. 17, 2004

Sorry for the late update, ya’ll. Somehow I seem to be sliding back to my vampire sleep skej of staying up till 3 or 4 a.m. (I promise this has nothing to do with noisy neighbor sex — although it could) and then sleeping in until noon or later. :( Today was a step of progress though; I actually rose an hour earlier than yesterday.

Hot and Bored: a fashion soap opera
Should the late-night insomnia continue, however, I think the local postman may have provided me with a new resource over the weekend. It’s a little catalog called Midnight Velvet which, I am warned, may soon cease coming to my mailbox. (Perhaps they make exceptions for the unemployed?) They don’t want to bother me with unwanted catalogs, so this could be my FINAL CATALOG unless I order TODAY to undisturbed access to future editions. That’s a shame because, after only one issue, I can tell that I’m really going to need a steady diet of the “unique gifts and home decor” and “beautiful distinctive clothing in misses and plus sizes” offered by Midnight Velvet. Based on the grapefruit-and-latte repast that was this “morning’s” breakfast, a shrinking woman such as myself is in great need of misses and even plus-size clothing.

Where else could I find the proper skirt set to help me “reflect the rich color of the season in ... vivacious patchwork”? Clearly this $89 special is an undiscovered gem waiting to join the others hanging from the charm bracelet that is my wardrobe: “Wild beauty radiates from a sultry animal print with splashes of brilliant red lilys [sic] on the languid top with front lace panel.” The lilies were apparently a last-minute design addition intended to underscore the “vivacious” nature of the ensemble, which was being dragged down by the languid (“lacking energy or vitality; weak ... listless”) nature of the top. Quite frankly, the outfit has all the drama of a midday soap opera.

I can see it now: Red Lily is a smoldering Latin man charged with the care of Languid Top, a spoiled Paris Hilton type who can’t bother to sit fully erect on the chaise longue she has occupied since her arrival. It is this tension of hot and bored that produces the “sultry” quality (“very humid and hot; torrid”) of the living room where they spar. On tomorrow’s episode: Languid Top begins to sweat and demands a bath that will not require her to leave the chaise longue.

Is it Ivory Snow or Woolite?
And all this in an $89 skirt set! Wow. Imagine the plot possibilities that await me in the remaining 124 pages of scintillating ad copy. On second thought, perhaps this might not be ideal reading for falling asleep... But it does offer tantalizing suggestions for a new Sexless feature I might add. Since some readers have been so disturbed by the lack of images in this site (more on that shortly), perhaps I should at least describe what I’m wearing on a day-to-day basis. In catalog prose, of course.

Today, for example, Anna is sporting a charming-and-versatile American wardrobe essential inspired to no small degree by Rosie the Riveter. The faux-real faded denim of her stylish Abercrombie jeans are fastened by embossed metal buttons that bring “the rivet” into the ’00s. Stain from a recent stripping project subtly highlights the distressed wrinkles produced by many an hour’s blogging for her readers.

Atop this handsome garment, Anna models a deceptively simple white tank top that adds casual elegance to this understated outfit. Dramatic splashes of red paint enliven one shoulder of the top with a drama that recalls Jackson Pollock and echoes the real-life sweat, strip and stain required to bring her antique desk to its new, scarlet life. Anna has elaborated on the Pollock theme with a subtle-yet-distinctive stain of muted yellows and greens that suggests any combination of domestic drama, from the over-use of bleach to a bleary-morning mishap with the latte mug. Rounding out the garment’s artful chic is a tasteful, serged hem that flirts up over womanly hips and then back down again. Top is 100% cotton, from the Levi Type1 Jeans label. Made in Pakistan, but probably not worn there.

Whew! Was that exciting or what? OK, I know. I’ve been dodging real man-drama for a few days now. But you see, that’s the point of being Sexless: men aren’t always around, so one has to infuse sexuality (of the sultry rather than languid variety) into all the details of everyday life.