Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Competitive celibacy?

I guess that goes with being a militant virgin. According to a reporter for the U.K. Telegraph, anyway. He interviewed writer Dawn Eden (whose forthcoming work, The Thrill of the Chaste was about being newly chaste, last I heard) and she kindly mentioned my book/blog as well.

I can only imagine the conversation. “Another celibate blogger?!!” (No one gets that celibates shun sex for life, it seems.) Maybe he thought it was female competition gone too far. You know, like, “Well, so what if she’s better in bed than me; I can be better not in bed than she.”

Which clearly could lead to a Chastity Olympics or something. In fact, since my chastity has been so damn competitive, I’ve actually had many thoughts on ways I could outdo (that is to say, not do) the competition. Here’s a few categories in which we might compete:
  1. Pill pinching. For those whose chastity depends on keeping a little aspirin tightly clenched between her knees. Awards to be given for endurance (the sit-and-squeeze) and sticky knees (keeping them clenched in various positions/activities).
  2. The kiss dodge. I once saw a woman on Blind Date who could have taught classes for this event. Her head was like the bobbing chickens we were supposed to emulate in Music Man. Impressive! Wish I’d learned to dodge farewell embraces that well ...
  3. Chastity belt design. For innovation in, erm, artistry and durability.
  4. Unicorn racing. Some legend has it we’re connected to these mythical creatures somehow. Besides, I’m sure the randier television viewers (for of course such a “sport” should be televised, no?) would like to see us ride at least something).
  5. Excuse-making. Best ways to get out of sleeping with a man who doesn’t share your values (for those who like to walk on the wild side).
  6. The Seinfeld. A recreation of the famous contest. One contest that could possibly be mixed-gender. I’m not sure what the male-specific events would be. Some of these are certainly female-centric. To whit ...
  7. Make-off. For those who specialize in nearly asexual makeup. How well can a woman minimize her beauty without actually looking ugly?
  8. Fashion hide. A competition to hide or disguise the most of one’s figure. Traditional religious costumes disqualified or re-imagined (depending on the judges’ whimsy). Possible restrictions on how many extra inches of fabric women can swath themselves in (no more than 5” ease around the chest, for instance).
  9. Use of spare time. As inspired by The 40-year-old Virgin: most creative ways to use all that time you’re not having sex.
  10. Side-hugging. For refined technique in avoiding torso-to-torso contact. This might also include a new hug Poster Boy introduced me to during my trip. Particularly sneaky because it appears more intimate than a side hug, his embrace involved facing each other but only touching shoulders.
Wow, that’s just enough for a chastity decathalon. Readers, other possible events?