Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Friday, October 08, 2004

The name game

First off, a few business matters. Blogfather readers, the post on wedding-guest blues that brought you here is probably this one. To find out why you should consider me for a “handbagger swap” (as my delightful friend from Down Under has termed it), see here. Sexless readers, don’t miss the Blogfather’s parallel wedding-dilemma post, “Wedding bells and light blogging.”

Secondly, regular readers of this blog may notice a new, um, addition. Please let me know what you think of the PayPal gimme buttons now concluding each post, K: Are they obnoxious? Should I relegate these to the side column? Etc. And speaking of obnoxious, how do you prefer I handle intrablog hyperlinks — should they open in a new window, or stay in the same?

A Sexless reader forum
But enough with the blog-related blah-blah. Although it does set up the fact that today I’m hoping my readers will sound off. More than usual, that is. You see, tonight a good friend called me for some advice. Her issue? She’s going back to e-dating. And she needs a good handle. But clearly names like “Craig595”* don’t quite have the needed pizzazz when everyone else is also trying to craft the persona of world-weary hipster in search of romance. (Though WWHISOR595 might at least make people go “huh?!”)

So ... we started with the keyword she had in mind, amber. And from that tried to craft a name that indicated something about her. But this didn’t prove very productive, so finally I called for a round of Pop Sexology 101. Her results:
favorite color = view of self: purple
why? She likes purple/sees herself as: creative, warm, unique, special, cool, tasty, fun and happy ... obviously we threw out the three-word limit.

favorite animal
= ideal mate: puppy
why? She likes puppies ’cuz/seeks a man who’s: playful, warm, loving, happy and adorable. Basically: makes her feel good. Not quite what Rhoads would say determines a good mate, or — more importantly — survival of one’s children — but that’s by-the-by.

favorite body of water
= ideal sexual experience: ocean
why? powerful, beautiful, rhythmic
With these useful adjectives in hand, I went to the thesaurus. Here are some possible names we came up with, along with our initial assessment:
  • amberwhimsy - a maybe, but too vague
  • amberfire - possibly too redundant
  • ambervixen - sounds like a hard-to-handle redhead who’s short and curvy
  • amberprofessional - could connote either a sex worker or a geologist (or that “Dr. Christmas” character from Bond)
  • brandiedamber - might suggest an alcoholic
  • glowingamber - not necessarily apt to stir the imagination; just conjures up the fruity New Age crystals in a spirituality shop
  • freakishamber - the Goth-chick moniker (now that’s an ad that Lickwit’d probably click on)
  • ineffableamber - good for words-he-won’t-know points, but maybe not so good for creating evocative mental images and therefore curiosity. Speaking of which ...
  • ambercurious/curiousamber - possibly too suggestive of a “bi-curious” woman? (a phrase I think the Ad Weasel used on Christmas party invites, the first year I went)
  • prodigiousamber - more for the words-he-won’t-know chic column, but maybe not that good for getting click-throughs — and remember, folks, e-dating is all about salesmanship
  • amberuncommon/uncommonamber - my fave, but you decide
So readers, thoughts? What’s your secret for a catchy handle? Online nicknames ya still can’t forget? Mine, as you might guess is usually danzfool, though that’s not short for Dan’s fool, but dance fool. And then there’s swinglover. That usually gets their attention — but as I’ve recently noted, not the right men’s attention. When all else fails I’ve also used the high-school flashback, frumasarah007. Don’t even ask about my gmail handle-from-hell (grrrr).

And that’s today’s blog! Sorry to be a little on the short side, but in less than 10 hours I catch a Chinatown bus for DC to see my sister. Woohoo! Check for possible live-debate blogging on my other site. Or not. I’m also working on an entry for that site, partly inspired by Poster Boy’s very interesting piece on poker.**

And finally***
Yes, you could say I’m a little slow, but this is still worth mentioning. Turns out “Sex and the Witty” blogger Dawn Eden got the Gawker write-up earlier this summer. Luckily her answers are timeless, even if my getting-with-it’s considerably behind the beat.****

Pun me baby, one more time
*Um, yes, I knew one; very bad 22nd-birthday story, though it is related to how I met the O-Zone King
**No, that’s not a sex game, but well-timed use of such term the night of the infamous Morrissey concert did prove very amusing to Lickwit, who deemed it yet another of my very-clever-but-unintentional puns.
***Because a woman’s never done when you expect.
****Ah, another Lickwit pun memory (darn him, anyway). Dunno why I’m such a sucker for good banter ...