Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

A man-date to mate? (pt. 3)

Whew! And the men just keep on a-comin’ ... in a manner of speaking. ;)

If you missed the rest: Ad Weasel to Geriatric Gent (pt. 1), Global Crossings Guy to Leather Daddy (pt. 2), Stalker #1 to the Winner (pt. 4).

Another Spooning Fork on its way soon, but in the meantime:

The Married Man
Met through: the encouragement of a professor we’d both had
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1?
First date: in terms of the closest thing to a date, one night when we chatted endlessly and worked on an interview he was supposed to be transcribing by hand so I could then type it up for him
Age difference: 8 years
Profession: graduate student in photography, part-time waiter
Where the money went: coffee drinks, gas for the ride home he gave me (and the ride to school the next day)
Theme song: “Lady Marmalade,” heard during the closest to a pseudo-date we had, while studying at a coffee shop one night. This was the Labelle version, mind you, not the remake.

The Nerd
Met through: a proto-internet message board for those seeking penpals
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1
First date: roof-top sangria party at Hippie the Groper’s building
Age difference: 1 year
Profession: student (when I met him)
Where the money went: phone bills for the 1 or 2 times we talked (long-distance) when I was still in high school
Theme song: didn’t really have one ... but fill in your nerd-rock anthem of choice

Non-profit Superhero
Met through: my Craigslist ad, seeking an intellectual grease monkey
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2
First date: dinner at a local Williamsburg restaurant
Age difference: 4 years?
Profession: employee for UNICEF or some related monitoring agency
Where the money went: dinner, beers, movie tickets to Bruce Almighty (second date)
Theme song: The Kinks’ “Superman”

The One Who Came Out
Met through: accelerated or AP classes in high school
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1
First date: my one-and-only high school dance: senior-year Homecoming
Age difference: a few months
Profession: then, a student
Where the money went: ?
Theme song: I’m sure there’s a great ’80s high-school prom song, but I can’t think of one

The Other Air Force Guy
Met through: Irish Pub
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1
First date: post-bar meal, movie and makeout session at his friend’s place (where they introduced me to a memorable love-done-wrong song dubbed “Poop in a Jar” because the protagonist keeps his girlfriend’s shit to remember what a stinker she’d been)
Age difference: 6 years?
Profession: computer guy in Cali, former military man
Where the money went: pizza
Theme song: “Poop in a Jar,” or the theme from Shaft, which I think was the cable flick playing while we made out

The O-Zone King
Met through: flirtation during ID inspection at Irish Pub, the night of my 22nd birthday
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1
First date: beers at the pub, walk to a park, frolicking in the grass (until sprinklers came on)
Age difference: 5-6 years?
Profession: waiter/some-time bartender at Irish Pub (was supposedly taking a break from a graduate program in print-making)
Where the money went: beers
Theme song: “High and Dry,” a Radiohead song I once asked him about

Poster Boy, the Other PK
Met through: some Campus Crusade for Christ connection
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 8 (includes the three times I went drinking with him and his pals, the 4th of July baking episode)
First date: that 4th of July shindig (if we’re counting pseudo-dates), or dinner the night I bit the stairs
Age difference: 2 years, 6 days
Profession: former Mac tech whose real passions are ministry and music
Where the money went: that strong, Long Island iced tea, my first-ever tequila shots, dinner at Nola’s, a breakfast off the ocean, drinks at the Old Pub
Theme song: Used to be “Son of a Preacher Man” — what else? These days, mebbe more like “History Repeating” (played on the first real date)

Sgt. Ex-sessories, the body-mod king
Met through: his aggressive flirtation one night at Irish Pub
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 3
First date: dinner somewhere near Mill Avenue (Tempe’s main drag); maybe a movie, then cuddling during a Saturday-night drum circle
Age difference: 6-7 years?
Profession: Persian Gulf Air Force vet and college student; did something for one of the high-tech companies in Chandler (maybe Intel?)
Where the money went: meals, movie tickets, drinks, all the gear for his jeep
Theme song: Hm. This shouldn’t be so hard to figure. Surely there’s a perfect song for the guy with a tongue ring whose dad advocates eucalyptus oil as a cold cure-all ... and who bought his ex-girlfriend a boob job in an unsuccessful attempt to resuscitate her self-image and who ... well, you get the picture.

The other men: Ad Weasel to Geriatric Gent (pt. 1), Global Crossings Guy to Leather Daddy (pt. 2), Stalker #1 to the Winner (pt. 4).


Bruce Almighty
The Pilgrim's Progress from This World, To That Which Is to Come
The Pilgrim’s Progress from This World, To That Which Is to Come