Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

A man-date to mate? (pt. 2)

The inner prurient in me was greatly amused last night by a blurb for a political event in Harlem this Saturday, to which attendees are advised to bring “knee pads for kneeling on the floor.” Oh, but wait! This isn’t a Clinton event (though it’s his part of town) … it’s a Republican thing. Clearly they never have sex, or in an inappropriate fashion ...

But then, neither did the next round of men from my dating history — not, at least, with me.

Rest of the history:
Ad Weasel to Geriatric Gent (pt. 1), Married Man to Sgt. Ex-sessories (pt. 3), Stalker #1 to the Winner (pt. 4).

Global Crossings Guy
Met through: His ad on Craigslist (this was pre- or circa-Ad Weasel era)
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2
First date: Watching Signs at the Union Square theater; I conveniently forgot my wallet
Age difference: 5-7 years? Sadly his friends made a more memorable impression than he did; it was almost like that Carrie-man whose family she liked better than him
Profession: possibly surviving on unemployment? He had recently been released from Global Crossings and was considering a return to the military
Where the money went: Movie tickets, drinks and food at many an historic West Village bar (including the White Horse Tavern and Chumley’s)
Theme song: Theme from The Simpson’s; that’s about the only cultural currency we shared in common that I can remember

Hapless Hesitator
Met through: mutual acquaintance at a church-related artists reception
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2 (including a bizarre swing-dancing double date Sept. 11, 2003)
First date: lunch after a church service to which I’d worn a scandalously short pink dress in yet another unsuccessful play for The Captain’s attention
Age difference: about 2 years
Profession: classically trained musician looking to get into management
Where the money went: drinks and gas for the rides to Brooklyn or train stations he provided
Theme song: one of the songs we attempted to dance to that night; clearly it didn’t make much of an impression

The Harvard Lickwit
Met through: birthday party of a mutual acquaintance (whom I had met at a Mediabistro V-day mixer more than a year before)
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 8 (based on all occasions in which we operated as a couple)
First date: movie at the Film Forum, though two days previously we’d run into each other on the subway, resulting in a pseudo-date with Best Friend as third later that evening (this was the night of Alert-not-Yearning’s screening)
Age difference: 7-8 years (he’s one more than the Captain)
Profession: PR hack for high-rollers (once started rumors about a NY stock exchange muckity-muck by posing as his doctor)
Where the money went: booze and more booze (he was something of a lush), plus various meals, the Film Forum ticket, and extra phone fees for all the text messages I used to send him (supposedly his program doesn’t include such)
Theme song: What’s that song about the guy with a woman in every town — “The Rambler”? Considering the number of women Lickwit tried to keep in circulation, there’s no need for a song we had special bonding time with

Hippie the Groper
Met through: Campus Crusade summer project in Berkeley
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2? (we started as friends, so it’s hard to draw the line)
First date: who knows
Age difference: 1-2 years
Profession: web guy, aspiring law student
Where the money went: drinks and cover charge at Burlesque Bar one night; espresso the morning after, um, the night I crashed at his place
Theme song: Um, anything from the movie Spinal Tap

Indian Sugar Daddy
Met through: my dad
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2
First date: lunch in Des Moines during spring break my freshman year
Age difference: 20 years?!!
Profession: engineer
Where the money went: internet access, meals, portable stereo, first real camera (also drinks though I was underage then … Hmmmmmm :-o)
Theme song: Since I don’t remember any dramatic musical moments, I’m gonna go with one that sums up our relationship: a lesser-known Lou Bega number, “The Most Expensive Girl in the World.”

Invisible Ma(ri)n(e)
Met through: Irish Pub, the bar that briefly became my cheers
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2
First date: late-night coffee and brunch at a 24-hour diner
Age difference: 7-8 years
Profession: keeping his current whereabouts secret from the Marines (he was still serving the two years during which they could technically call him up if needed); completing an MBA
Where the money went: meals and the occasional beer
Theme song: “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago (in the spirit of his bizarre disappearances)

Jose No Dinero, aka The Latin American
Met through: mutual appreciation of his friend’s comic dance routine at Burlesque Bar
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 0
First date: does our conversation that night count? We ate pizza later …
Age difference: 8 years
Profession: former pro-soccer player abroad; executive director of a non-profit
Where the money went: pizza
Theme song: “Heya” because the night we met, it played, and I jumped up to dance with my friends and his friend, the Comedian. Jose, although presumably quite capable of dancing, was reticent that night. At the time my sis and I were impressed with his ability to just be himself and sit it out.

Leather Daddy
Met through: the work-proximate Starbucks were I used to take my lunches
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 0
First date: N/A
Age difference: 15-20 years?
Profession: leatherware designer
Where the money went: the card, candle and pen he gave me for Valentine’s Day ... after 2-3 conversations
Theme song: I’ll leave that for you to determine...

The other men: Ad Weasel to Geriatric Gent (pt. 1), Married Man to Sgt. Ex-sessories (pt. 3), Stalker #1 to the Winner (pt. 4).

To seeTo read
SignsSex and the City
Sex and the City
Sex and the City, Season 2