Sexless in the City

Sometimes reading romance novels doesn’t quite prepare you for a love life...

For this 30-year-old urbanite, love is always a misadventure: The Harvard Lickwit, Hippie the Groper, the 5% Man, and the Ad Weasel. These and many other men wander in and out of her life — but never her bed.

Monday, August 02, 2004

A man-date to mate? (pt. 1)

Recently a reader of this site suggested that I seem to care a lot about money. Which makes me think a statistical analysis of the men in my life could be interesting (this is the point where I turn not into Carrie, but Rob from High Fidelity) …

The other men:
Global Crossings Guy to Leather Daddy (pt. 2), Married Man to Sgt. Ex-sessories (pt. 3), Stalker #1 to the Winner (pt. 4).

The Ad Weasel
Met through: Craigslist ad he placed
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 3 if you include the double-date with his client, but not the two Christmas parties I attended with a friend in tow
First date: Thai food, many drinks, chit-chat at the edge of Central Park (while mice ran around the bench below us), serious front-seat gropage when he dropped me off
Age difference: 7 years
Profession: creative director for an ad agency
Where the money went: bought a scarf from me, offered money to look up my skirt
Theme song: “Sexbomb” (see wild, three-bar night)

Alert & Yearning
Met through: Alert’s request that Best Friend and I take a picture with the supposedly lovelorn Yearning to cheer him up (this occurred at the infamous Burlesque Bar)
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1, not including the many tequila rounds the night we met or the screening of a short “documentary” Alert made early in his TV career
First date: Best Friend and I drive to Hoboken to cook pad Thai for the TV duo; when the highly touted hot tub proves mysteriously broken, a Beatles marathon on the radio accompanies a bizarre drinking game that turns into a kind of strip poker
Age difference: 10 years? We’re still not sure
Profession(s): TV guys, one an anchor-of-sorts, one a … freelance interview personality
Where the money went: lots of tequila shots and, um, repair bills for the hot tub
Theme band: The Beatles; local classic-rock station was having an all-Beatles all-the-time marathon the weekend of the disastrous broken-hot-tub date

The Captain
Met through: post-church service lunch event
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1
First date: this was a pseudo date … but after a church-sing type event at which we mutually trashed the praise music, we had dinner with another friend at a hip South American restaurant; The Captain described his two broken engagements (for which he used the same ring before trading it for a camper top for his Land Rover) and generated the closest thing to an interested vibe I’ve yet seen from him. Then he flossed his teeth, in front of us, at meal’s end.
Age difference: 7 years
Profession: Army captain, English teacher at West Point
Where the money went: half my cost of dinner that night, a framed pic from India he bought when I was first unemployed, contribution toward my first cell phone (group gift)
Theme song: some moody Morrissey anthem that he warbled for us drunkenly, one night, when Best Friend was driving him home (he told us this was his go-to break-up song; appropriate). Alternate theme song: the Stones’ “Miss You” (sung a cappella in a subway station).

Covert Romantic
Met through: friend’s introduction at a cocktail party
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: we’ll see
First date: none so far
Age difference: 8 years?
Profession: musician who’s writing a memoir about his travels across Europe
Where the money went: um ... his bar tab that night (yet another lush, sadly; or in this case: a wino)
Theme song: still workin’ on that one

Dr. Kook, the visionary
Met through: Craigslist ad he posted, seeking writing/editing help
Number of date and pseudo-dates: 1 (not including the two times he helped me to move or the multiple work-related coffee/dinner/etc. meetings we had)
First date: not the first meeting, but a bizarre V-day “business meeting” lunch that turned into a pseudo-double date when he invited a gal friend of his (presumably to encourage the Fontinator and I to hook up so he could vicariously jump my bones)
Age difference: almost 10 years? Not sure, but he once congratulated “us” on having achieved this kind of older brother-younger sister relationship … in which Bro secretly wants to fuck Sis
Profession: unemployed lawyer/aspiring entrepreneur and visionary
Where the money went: various coffees, meals, etc. Boxes of the chocolates his family packaged were also sometimes offered in lieu of consulting fees
Theme song: I have no music-related memories of him ... for the most part. One meeting did include a Norah Jones interview in the background, but I’m not giving him her

The 5% Man
Met through: Mediabistro
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2
First date: drinks the night before my last day working for the crazy artist; after sussing out certain key details, 5% Man made only the slightest of moves … to my disappointment. How could he not be more interested in a woman who later (more drunk than she realizes) invites him up to “go 95% of the way”?!
Age difference: 7 years?
Profession: business manager for a world-music magazine
Where the money went: drinks
Theme song: “Babylon” (David Gray) ... but only because there was one night we were hangin’ in his neighborhood bar and someone picked that song twice from the jukebox. I thought 5% Man was gonna have a break-down, poor guy; he’s all about the world music and gettin’ old-school funky.

Met through: Dr. Kook’s “business-related” introduction
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 3 (if you count two occasions on which I essentially played third wheel to him and Best Friend)
First date: that weird V-day lunch with Dr. Kook (after we’d spent nearly two hours discussing business on our own)
Age difference: about 4 years
Profession: web designer and stats guru
Where the money went: drinks (including, on one occasion, flaming sambuka shots)
Theme song: hmmmm. There was a juke box in the bar one night, but I have no memories of what we heard.

Francophile Filmmaker
Met throught: this blog, what else? I can’t decide if that counts as one for Craigslist, or Sexless
Number of dates and pseudo-dates:
1 and counting
First date: a late-night meeting I told myself was just a “casual beer among friends” that ... um ... turned into dinner, four beers, and a not-so-friendly make-out session; on the upside, bartender told me I probably had the healthiest urinary tract in the whole place on account of my Olympic-worthy water guzzling
Age difference: probably more than 7; currently a mystery
Profession: filmmaker
Where the money went: a burger I swore I couldn’t finish (but did anyway), many rounds of beer (including two Guinness snakebites for me) and car service home (props for not assuming I’d be comfortable having him drive me home)
Theme song: “I Dig a Pony” (only song title I can remember from the exceptional soundtrack produced by bar #2’s jukebox

The Funny Man
Met through: mutual friend’s going-away party
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 2
First date: drinks and a roof-top going-away party for that same friend
Age difference: 7 years
Profession: comedian and soon-to-be lawyer
Where the money went: drinks, food, movie tix and cab fare (we rarely ended the night before 3 a.m.)
Theme song: “History Repeating” (Propellerheads with Shirley Bassey); the song that made him ask for my “Earl,” by which he meant the address for this blog

The Geriatric Gent
Met through: friend’s introduction at a monthly cocktail hour
Number of dates and pseudo-dates: 1 and counting (I hear he plans to squire me ’round all the swankest parties of fall 2005; could that be fall 2004, perhaps?!!)
First date: art opening sponsored by GQ; show featured artists’ work on surfing and surfers’ attempts at art
Age difference: 50 years
Profession: “tippler about town” who writes up various art parties and other posh soirees; occasional cartoonist for some mag here in town (also, apparently an Auschwitz survivor and former hostage in Beirut who’s related to one of the stars from the movie I watched with Hippie the night I crashed at his place)
Where the money went: lots and lots of wine
Theme song: “You Give Love a Bad Name”: played during the GQ-sponsosred art opening while we were standing in line for hot dogs. Neither of us could name the band, though I guessed it was Guns ’n Roses (um ... try Bon Jovi).

Now if I were a guy, maybe I would’ve clued you in on how far they all got ... but a lady doesn’t kiss and tell (insert MSN’s angel-face emoticon here).

Breakdown on the next batch: Global Crossings Guy to Leather Daddy (pt. 2), Married Man to Sgt. Ex-sessories (pt. 3), Stalker #1 to the Winner (pt. 4).

High Fidelity

True Colors: The Real Life of the Art World
True Colors

The Real Life of the Art World